goals

I bought a goal dress today. It is size 10, which is what I was around 10 pounds ago.  I can fit in it, but it doesn't look good. I have six months to return it, so hopefully I won't have to.  I have lost another half pound.  Weight loss is going slow, but is happening. However I decided to change a few things:

1. More weight lifting.  I hate it, but I need to do it in order to see results.  So at least four times a week I need to be lifting weights for at least 20-30 minutes. 
2. Lower carbs.  Since I have glucose intolerance, my body tells my insulin to store fat when there is too much sugar in my system.  I am trying to stay at 100 grams of carbohydrates per day, which is very hard.  That is around 35-40% carbohydrate.  This is not technically low carb, I don't think low carb is sustainable or even healthy. 
3. I have been eating less, and hungry less. There were a few days where I only had like 800 calories, and I knew I should eat more because that's really not enough.  I am super tempted to be at like 1000 calories a day, but I'm afraid of the consequences to my body.  I don't want to be anywhere near anorexic.  I am very good at maintaining weight (at least when I am paying attention), so if I can get down and then eat 1400 (my BMR) per day, and watch the scale, I should be fine. 
4. 11,000 steps per day instead of 10,000 and if I don't make it one day, I am making it up the next.

So I go to camp in a few days.  This will be the first time I will have a fitbit, so it will be interesting to see how much activity we actually have.  The food will not be that good... I plan to eat smaller portions, drink more water, lay off the deserts and try for salad more often.  I hope to have lost 1-2 pounds by the end of the week, putting be around 137.5-138.5.

Well, off to take a walk.

Still working

So....I have been trying to stay at 1200 calories and go to the gym every day or get 30 minutes of exercise in every day. Most days I have been doing this.  The hardest is sticking to 1200 calories as it goes by so quickly and I get so hungry.... 

this morning I weighed in at 139.2, but yesterday I weighed in at 141.2....  the day before that I weighed in at 140, so the average is 140.1 which means I have lost at least .5 pounds since the 10th.  It is way slower than I would like, but I'm keeping on keeping on.  I downloaded this app where I can "slim" my picture and put it next to my real picture.  I cannot believe how big I actually am. It looks like I "fattened" those pictures, but that it really how big I am right now, and I hate it!  I want to be able to fit into my clothes again and feel confident in photo shoots.  I looked at the side by side picture while cycling last night and it was very motivating.  I WILL get to 118-120.  I hope to get to 132 by my friend's Wedding August 16th, so I can wear any of my dresses.  I hope the 139.2 is accurate....

Just....yes....

On the 9th, I was not doing well.  A fire got lit under me and I have been doing really well the last three days.  Watching my calories, exercising, meeting my fitbit goals.  I have been really motivated, and feeling good.  I think that I am losing weight too.  More to come....

just....not....

I am just sucking at this losing weight thing right now...  SUCKING AT IT.  I have lost not one pound since my last entry, although to be fair, I have not been regularly going to the gym.  I've been keeping my steps up by walking, but I don't think it's enough. I've been trying to be active on the weekends with Jonathan.  We went on a 7 mile hike the other day.  However, we take pictures and I am smacked in the face with how overweight I really am.  I absolutely hate the way I look. Even my arms look fat.  I don't fit my clothes right, I can't wear a lot of my clothing.

I don't know what to do.  Sometimes, I just can't control the overeating.  And then I feel guilty and I'll admit, I've thought of purging, but if I did that I would feel even worse, and I know that is more unhealthy than what I ate.  I gotta do something.  I just don't know what.....

Stuck

Well, I feel like I'm in a rut. It all started when Jonathan and I went on vacation to Moses Lake at the end of March.  I ate whatever I wanted, and didn't even want to track my calories because I knew they were off the charts. I did make us go on a few walks, so we weren't completely sedentary, but I for sure never met any of my fitbit goals.  I figured...hey...I'm on vacation, what's the big deal?  Well, it was a big deal because I gained at least two pounds, and haven't gone back down yet. I lost my motivation.

Dang it. This always happens.  Having a fitbit is making it so I don't completely lose focus, but I have been far over my calorie limit most days and not making much of a deficit.  I have been going to cycle, but only getting to the gym about three times a week and seriously lacking on the weight training.  I've also been having a hard time getting out of bed, which takes away the time I could be exercising. I need to get it together. 

I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way my clothes fit, and yet I am realizing how little self-control I have over my food intake.  Sometimes, I just want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. I just want to put something in my mouth.  I've been trying to chew gum, but I'm thinking about food. 

I gave up hardened chocolate for lent, and that has gone okay.  I actually don't even crave it much at all. There are times I want some, but its not a calling for me. I can pass by it and not have any.  However, I started eating ice cream all the time, and I cannot do portion control apparently.  I can't eat 1/2 cup, I have to eat 1- 1.5 cups.  Boom - 300 calories, right there.  When my BMR is 1400, I don't have 300 to waste. I'm not saying that I never want to eat ice cream, but I'm finding it hard to find balance.  I want what I want when I want it. 

My motivational poster is hanging in the bathroom and not being helpful.  I only feel guilt when I look at it.  Guilt that I know I'm doing things to sabotage myself.  I'm not sure how to get out of this rut.  Rewards don't work. Punishment doesn't work.  Motivation doesn't work.  I'm just...stuck. 

Well, back to my dissertation. 

going down?

The scale is lying to me I think. It said I was 137.8 yesterday, which would mean I had lost 2.2 pounds in one day. I know about fluctuation, but usually it fluctuates up.  Today it said I was 139.4.  I've been weighing every day, which is probably bad, but I've also been taking the averages. Nevertheless, I was able to go to the fourth belt loop today. It was only slightly tight, but I'm still wearing it there.  What is most perplexing is that I haven't gone to the gym much in the past few days. I'm sitting here avoiding a paper which is due tomorrow and which stopped me from going yesterday and possibly today at this rate.  I've also eaten copious amounts of chocolate, which I gave up for lent because I felt like I was binging on it.  I felt like this because I felt a little out of control, like no will power to not eat it. So I gave up hardened chocolate. Which means I can still have hot chocolate (necessary for studying at starbucks) and ice cream. Since I never buy ice cream and only have it while out or sometimes at work, I am much less likely to binge eat that, and one can only drink so many cups of hot chocolate (although in an effort to portion control, I have been ordering talls instead of ventis).  I most definitely plan to include hardened chocolate into my diet after lent is over, but hopefully at a much more reasonable amount. 

The dove chocolates in the kitchen are already making me regret this decision though....

Anyway, I guess things are plugging along, even if I'm not sure how...

Make a different choice

I'm desperately trying to not lose my steam.  I didn't go to the gym today, but that's because I worked an overnight last night and am working one tonight, so I spent much of the day sleeping. Jonathan and I went to dinner for our Saturday date.  When at red robin, I really wanted to get clucks and fries, but I knew I would go over in starch if i did this. I'm trying to keep my starch to 100-150 grams per day due to my glucose intolerance and to promote weight loss.  So instead, I ordered the ensanada chicken breast, which wasn't bad, but it wasn't comfort food. There was a part of me that wanted to retract and rationalize that I'm at a restaurant, so I can get what I want, but I need to get back to not using excuses every day.  I lost about .3 pounds last week.  I'm really just happy I didn't gain, but I totally wasted a week in which I could have lost a full pound.  I've been taking the average of three days as my weight. Otherwise, my weigh in day is always the one day I'll fluctuate up.  I think an average is more accurate.  Anyway, I think I'm gonna make a motivational poster now.