Stuck

Well, I feel like I'm in a rut. It all started when Jonathan and I went on vacation to Moses Lake at the end of March.  I ate whatever I wanted, and didn't even want to track my calories because I knew they were off the charts. I did make us go on a few walks, so we weren't completely sedentary, but I for sure never met any of my fitbit goals.  I figured...hey...I'm on vacation, what's the big deal?  Well, it was a big deal because I gained at least two pounds, and haven't gone back down yet. I lost my motivation.

Dang it. This always happens.  Having a fitbit is making it so I don't completely lose focus, but I have been far over my calorie limit most days and not making much of a deficit.  I have been going to cycle, but only getting to the gym about three times a week and seriously lacking on the weight training.  I've also been having a hard time getting out of bed, which takes away the time I could be exercising. I need to get it together. 

I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way my clothes fit, and yet I am realizing how little self-control I have over my food intake.  Sometimes, I just want to eat, even if I'm not hungry. I just want to put something in my mouth.  I've been trying to chew gum, but I'm thinking about food. 

I gave up hardened chocolate for lent, and that has gone okay.  I actually don't even crave it much at all. There are times I want some, but its not a calling for me. I can pass by it and not have any.  However, I started eating ice cream all the time, and I cannot do portion control apparently.  I can't eat 1/2 cup, I have to eat 1- 1.5 cups.  Boom - 300 calories, right there.  When my BMR is 1400, I don't have 300 to waste. I'm not saying that I never want to eat ice cream, but I'm finding it hard to find balance.  I want what I want when I want it. 

My motivational poster is hanging in the bathroom and not being helpful.  I only feel guilt when I look at it.  Guilt that I know I'm doing things to sabotage myself.  I'm not sure how to get out of this rut.  Rewards don't work. Punishment doesn't work.  Motivation doesn't work.  I'm just...stuck. 

Well, back to my dissertation.